It seems to me that you may be stuck in the grieving stage of denial
A lot of times we think of grieving only if someone passes away. But we are grieving losses every day. As little as someone cutting you off in a car or getting in front of us in a line to feeling the loss of love or the “normal” life we wished for. Sometimes the losses are so small, we may grieve quickly, but some losses are so huge that it can seem
overwhelming to grieve them. It usually goes back to those coping skills that
we learned in our families. Was it okay to get angry? Was it okay to be sad?
Sadness can be anger turned inward because we weren’t allowed to be angry
outwardly or vice versa. Depending on which stage/s we are stuck in, we have
the other stages to grieve. When things happened a long time ago we tell ourselves that we should be over them when in fact we never grieved them at all. Allow yourself to be sad, angry and questioning. And when you get to a question that the answer is"I don't know", kick it out of your head. It does no good to wonder what could have been. It’s when you get through these stages that you get to acceptance, not necessarily forgiveness (that has a stigma for
some people) but to accept it as a loss.
We sometimes get stuck in some of the stages of grieving: Denial or Numbing, Sadness or Fear, Anger or Irritation, Bargaining (Questioning) or Anxiety before we can get to acceptance. Does it ring true that you try to numb your feelings? Do you try to numb with alcohol or legal/illegal drugs? Maybe you numb with electronic screens or food. Maybe you use shopping or exercising to take your mind off of things. It can happen that you aren't trying to numb but that you go into a dissociative state where you check out mentally. It sounds like you have suffered a loss or quite a few losses.